Before my fit mom journey started at week 6 post-baby, I faced challenges I didn’t expect. Challenges that at the time I didn’t know how I’d make it through. Going into my pregnancy I sure had a few things wrong. If you had asked me then what I thought my challenges would be, I likely would’ve talked about physical things like the pain of contractions, back pain and even material things like fitting back into my favorite heels. (The physical pains were definitely challenging, but I’ll talk more about that in a future post). Don’t get me wrong getting back into my heels is still on my list of priorities! I think it’s very important to feel good about myself as a woman, and not lose who I was and what I enjoyed before being a mom. But, as for knowing what I was in for, I was in for a rude awakening! I could never have imagined what I was about to go through, or how it would change me forever. If you are reading this and you are a mom, you will likely (I hope) sympathize and understand on some level where I’m coming from. If you aren’t a mom, you might think I’m crazy or a terrible person, and have no idea how or why I could admit to what I am about to. Whichever category you fall into, mom or not, I ask that you read this with an open mind. Something I can’t say I would’ve done if I hadn’t been through this myself. Shame on me. What I went through sure did change me, and I assure you I don’t look at anything or anyone the same way. This is my most candid post yet, me at my most volnerable, sharing with you the details of my life during the most difficult 3 weeks of my life.
Motherhood is a very different experience for every woman. However, I have learned in my 7 short weeks as a mom that many of us will face the same struggles. For me, the first 3 weeks after delivery were horrible. Yes, horrible! Not beautiful, wonderful and perfect like they show you in the movies. You might be thinking that is a terrible thing to say! Jeez Shannon, you just had a beautiful, healthy boy and a happy marriage. What is your problem, you crazy woman! Well guess what, I would’ve said the same thing had I not been in my own shoes. Out of nowhere, day 4 after delivery, my world came crashing down. Suddenly I felt I was living in a haze. I was unhappy, cried at random times for no reason, and felt I was just going through the motions of my life, trying to pass the time by. I had a successful career, a relatively active social life, a happy marriage. Now I was trapped in my house, sleeping an hour at a time in between feeds, calming a crying baby all hours of the night and cleaning baby poop off my clothes. Is this my new life? It’s hard to really even put into words how bad I felt now that it’s over. I felt completely out of control and at the time described myself as a crazy person. I have never in my life been one to blame hormones for anything. I’d like to think I am usually someone who is level headed and rational. However, in this situation I felt my hormones and my life were completely out of control, and I was not enjoying it. I was exhausted, the sleep deprivation was torture. I was not myself, could not enjoy my baby, and wondered if I would ever feel happy again. In talking with other moms (and I spoke with many) the common phrase used is: “I thought I ruined my life”. Well this made me feel better. What I was feeling was “normal” after pregnancy. But it is completely horrible to say, isn’t it?! I had dreamed for so long of starting a family and being a supermom and wife. I knew it would be hard, and there would be sleepless nights, but thought I could handle it just fine. Now in reality, that was suddenly not the case. I am a rational, loving, capable woman, why did I feel this way!? Would I ever snap out of it? I was terrified that I wouldn’t. These were the questions I would ask myself and others multiple times for the first few weeks after my sons birth. I felt like a terrible person. I felt bad for feeling this way, I felt bad for admitting it, and I felt bad for my son who now had a mom who was not even close to being at her best. I remember years ago watching Brooke Shields on a talkshow, and her discussing her Postpardum Depression. I recall her saying something about wanting to throw her baby against the wall. At the time I thought she was absolutely nuts, and KNEW that would never be me once I had a child. Well I did not have those types of feelings or Postpardum Depression, but I now sympathize with her and others in her situation. I did suffer from a strong case of the babyblues. I didn’t even know what that was before it smacked me in the face on Day 4. I suddenly wanted to take back all my judgements toward Brooke and others suffering from similar illnesses. This was a real illness. I had no idea. I thought these types of issues were reserved for those with unhappy lives to begin with, and that someones state of mind is a choice. Well guess what, I eat my words! Postpardum depression and the babyblues is very real, and the most difficult thing I have ever been through. The physical pain and recovery was easy for me in comparison. I knew my physical self would eventually heal in time. I didn’t know if the same was true for what I felt emotionally.
Here’s the good news…I am happy to say, it gets better. Much, much better. Those initial feelings do fade away, and I am thrilled to say that I love my life now, more than I did before. The pregnancy hormones level out after a few weeks, and the little one starts to sleep more. I found having a few hours sleep in a row made a huge difference for my state of mine (They use sleep deprivation as a torture tactic for a reason – it works!) I love my Deacus so much, and wouldn’t change a thing now! Motherhood comes with its ups and downs, and we all have our bad days. It’s impossible for life to be the same as the days when I was responsible for just me, and my husband (both rational, low maintenance adults). In comparison, of course having a tiny human in your home, who can only express his feelings by screaming, is hard. The hardest job in the world if you ask me! Yes, raising a child is a job. It takes work to grow a human and raise a happy, well adjusted child. It isn’t always fun or easy. But, it is also the most amazing, rewarding, fun experience of my life. My hope in writing this, is so that other women who might have the same feelings know they aren’t alone. As I said, I spoke with many moms recently. I saw these women outside with their babies, and they looked happy. Were they faking? I asked myself. Then I got the courage to just ask them! They were truly happy. The truth is, we all struggle. You aren’t a bad mom if you struggle. You aren’t failing as a mother if you aren’t dancing around every day like a happy little elf. It’s ok to let the dishes pile up in the sink, and to nap whenever you can, and don’t feel bad asking for help whenever you need it. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby, or aren’t a good mom. It means that you are human. Don’t ever forget how important this “job” is, that you are doing. Also try to enjoy it, and remember that it does go by fast (This coming from the woman who has been a mom for 7 weeks). I am writing this to encourage others, but maybe it is also for me, so I remember these important words too. I will never again judge a mom whose child is crying uncontrolably at a restaurant, or running screaming through the mall, or eating dirt at the park. You don’t know what it’s like until you are in those shoes. Next time, I’ll lend her a helping hand, and let her know she’s doing a great job, and that gauranteed, tomorrow would be better.
Thank you to the amazing, honest women who shared their stories with me and supported me like only another mother could. Thanks for welcoming me to the club with open arms! You women gave me the strength and support I needed to get through what I was facing. And now I am at the point where I am comfortable sharing my story with the world, hoping to help another new (or not-so-new) mom. A special thank you to Sue, Kristin, Mel, Jess, Cindy and Jen. These are some of the amazing women who went above and beyond for me, were open about their struggles, and let me know that what I was going through was “normal” (whatever that is anyways!). Thank you for being there for me when I needed to ask AGAIN and AGAIN, “Am I going to get through this, does it get better”? , for reassuring me that I would, and for being right.
shannonvan 