An open letter to my 20 year old self

Dear 20-something Shannon,

Take a moment and take a deep breath.  Look how far you’ve come, young lady.  Life hasn’t been easy for you, but it is your life, and I’m proud of you for who you are becoming.  I know you aren’t fully able to see who you are through an unbiased lens, so I am here to help you.  An older, wiser version of yourself with insights you couldn’t possibly have had.

Be proud of you who are, young lady.  You are a good person.  I know you struggle with confidence – but please don’t.  You have no reason to.  You are smart.  You are kind.  You have a good heart.  No one is perfect.  The only difference is that some people own their flaws and mistakes, and some don’t.  Own your choices.  Be proud of yourself.

Make mistakes, young lady.  They are your best teachers.  Forgive yourself, and seek forgiveness for your mistakes.  Learn from them, and then move on from them.  Don’t be ashamed of them.  And always remember to give yourself some credit for how far you’ve come.  Life really is a journey of ups and down, not just a straight path of happiness and successes.  Beware of those who pretend they’re perfect or judge you because you aren’t – they usually have the most to hide.

From 20-something…

Be grateful, young lady.  As you grow older you will see and feel the fragility of life.  You will realize that though your life wasn’t perfect, you still have much to be grateful for.

Never give up, young lady.  Life isn’t always easy.  You will struggle more than you ever could’ve imagined.  You will wish it was easier at times.  Life will throw you some curve balls.  It will break you down.  It will break your heart.  At times It will make you feel like you can’t get back up again and that you can’t handle any more.  There will be times when you are lost and you don’t believe in yourself.  But you will get back up.  You will get through it and you will be better off for it.  You can.  And you will.  I promise.

You are beautiful, young lady.  You don’t always think you are – in fact you often tell yourself that you aren’t.  Enjoy your youth, enjoy your body.  Love it.  Appreciate it.  Don’t let it hold you back from anything.  Get in the pool.  Go to that party.  Wear those tight jeans and high heels if you wish.  Someday you will desperately wish for your 20-year old body back.  You will think back to those days and wonder how you ever had such a skewed view of yourself.  You’ll wish you didn’t waste a single second worrying about those extra lbs.  Every curve, every mark, every perceived flaw.  They’re not flaws at all my dear.  They are beautiful little pieces of you that make up who you are.  They make you special.  They make you unique.  You couldn’t possibly understand the depth of the joy and pain of what I’m about to tell you at 20 years old, but someday you will.  You will have a beautiful daughter of your own someday, and you will wish these things for her harder than you’ve ever wished them for yourself.  You will strive everyday to be an example to her, so she will never for a single moment feel the pain of the insecurity that you felt yourself.  So live these things.  Be them.  Show her you believe in them and yourself.  Start now, while you’re young and you will experience true freedom.

to 30 something…

You are strong, young lady.  Stronger than you could know right now.  Continue to foster that strength in your heart and soul and you will need the approval of no one.  Unfortunately there is a lot of cruelty in the world that will make your heart hurt.  That wont ever change.  But don’t let the negative words or actions of others dictate how you feel about yourself or change who you are.  Someday the strength that is growing in you now, will help you survive some of the toughest times of your life.

Continue to have an open mind and empathetic heart, young lady.  These are some of your best qualities and I am proud of you for it.  Be kind.  Don’t judge others.  People may surprise you.  We all are fighting battles others know nothing about.

Have fun, young lady.  Life is too short to not enjoy it.  Do what you love.  Be with people you love, who love you back and make you smile.  Let go of the others.  Be with those who see you for who you are, beautifully, perfectly flawed.  Make friends with people from all different walks of life, with different personalities, goals and strengths.  They will enrich your life in ways you couldn’t have known.  They will become some of your most beloved confidants.  Cherish those friendships.  Someday they will mean so much more to you than just drunken nights at the bar, and late night study dates.

Love deeply, young lady.  Love will ultimately be the most important thing in your life.  At times it will bring you to your knees.  It will break your heart.  But you will survive the heartbreak, and it will have been worth every single tear.  You will learn many lessons by loving and having an open heart.  Time moves too quickly, so cherish hugs and kisses.  Don’t ever let go too soon.  Feel every embrace with all of you and save those sweet moments forever in your heart.  These little moments will someday become what made up the best parts of your life.

Fight for what you believe in, young lady.  The most important lesson you will learn in your adult life is this.  Stand up for what you truly believe in.  As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, make decisions that are best for you and those you love.  Not everyone is going to like you or the choices you make, and that is OK.

Take a moment and take a deep breath.  Soak it all in, and look how far you’ve come, young lady

In this moment

There are many days that pass that are less than blissful.  But then there are days like today.  Days where I am able to live in the moment and feel so much gratitude for the life I have and the great privileged of being a mom.

In this moment I am so grateful.

I am grateful to you my little boy, to have been here with you as you’ve grown up over the past two years, though now it feels that time has moved a bit too quickly.

I am grateful for the unforgettable memories we have made, just us, and the bond we have developed that could not ever be broken.

I am grateful that through you I have been able to experience true, unconditional, pure, endless love.

I feel blessed that at this moment in time, though brief as it may be, that your dad and I are your everything.

I am grateful for your tiny, little hands, especially when they reach up and hold onto mine.

I am grateful for the challenge that comes with a daily life that is no longer driven solely by my needs.  My life would truly be boring without you.

I am grateful that it is us that you call out for in the night to comfort and snuggle you.

In this moment I am grateful for the scars and stretch marks that tell the story of us.

I am grateful for the boy that you have already become.  You are funny and loving and determined.  I am so proud of you.

I am grateful for all you have taught me about life already.  You have helped me remember the importance and power of laughter.

I am grateful every time I hear your high pitched little voice tell me you love me.

I am grateful to get to see the tremendous bond between you and your dad and the special love you have for each other that is indescribable.

I am grateful for those beautiful brown eyes, that look up at me filled with such joy and innocence.

I am grateful to be on this journey with you, and for your patience as I continue to learn how to be the best mom to you that I can be.

I am grateful to get to hear your sweet voice call out “Mommy”, knowing one day too soon I will just be “Mom”.

I am grateful for the love you’ve shown me, in your own little two year old way.  A love that has touched my heart beyond words and forever changed me for the better.

I am grateful to have been the one to watch your first steps, hear your first words and help you get up when you fall.

I am grateful for the renewed excitement you bring to every day, as we experience life for the first time, all over again.

I am grateful for your smile, that instantly lights up even the darkest of days.

I am eternally grateful that you fought so hard to be here with us during your first moments.  Though you struggled for life those first days, you came through it all unscathed and we are blessed that you are here with us today.  You are strong.  You are resilient. My happy, healthy boy.

And to my babygirl who I haven’t yet met, I am grateful every time I feel you move in my belly.  There is nothing like it and I hope I never forget how amazing it felt.

I am grateful to get to be the one who carries you, though the journey isn’t always easy, in this moment I am able to see the true beauty in it.

I am grateful for the excitement and joy you bring to us as we think about our future together as a family.

I don’t ever want to forget how I feel in this moment.  I don’t ever want to stop being able to appreciate the little things.  In this moment I am clearly able to see and feel how blessed I am to be a mom.  And not just a mom…YOUR mom.

 

 

Stay at home mom vs. Career mom – the great debate!

Let me start by clearly stating my opinion on this one.  The fact that we even have controversy surrounding this subject is completely ridiculous to me.  I have read many articles lately, posing ridiculous questions like “Which is harder?”, “Is staying home REALLY a job?”, “Are career women really able to be good moms?”  Seriously??  I hope those questions made you cringe as much as I did.  Thanks society for taking an already emotional, challenging decision for many women, and making it into a public competition.

When I became a mom, I was lucky to be welcomed with open arms by other moms.  They helped me find my way as I learned to navigate my new life.  They gave me advice and support, and laughed and cried with me.  Some moms who were strangers became some of my closest friends as we bonded over our greatest life challenge yet.  Maybe this isn’t everyone’s experience with other moms, but it was mine and I am forever grateful.  Without these women who were there to listen when I needed it, and tell me it was “normal” when I felt something I thought for sure made me a bad mom (and that quite possibly I should be medicated for feeling), I wouldn’t have made it through those early days.  Isn’t that how it should be?

We are all moms.  Who else can understand what exactly that means besides another parent?  It doesn’t matter if your baby is adopted, born naturally without meds, or via c-section like me.  It doesn’t matter if you are well off, or struggling financially, single or married, 20 or 40 years young.  Career woman, bread winner, daycare provider, work from home.  Yes – These factors definitely influence who we are, and challenge us in differing ways we can’t all claim to understand about each other’s lives.  But the bottom line is, we are all mothers.  We all proudly bare the title of “mom”, and whether we hear it called out to us all day long over and over and over, or after 5:00pm, it doesn’t make any of us, or our role as a mother any less incredible and important.

So I ask this question to the stay at home moms who feel it is their place to judge moms who return to work: Have YOU walked in her shoes?

Have you juggled being a career woman, and a mother at the same time?  Have you toiled with the heart wrenching decision of returning to work outside of the home, and leaving your child with a stranger who soon will spend more time with your baby than you?  Have you weighed the financial benefits vs. the time you will miss out on with your child, and the possibility that you will regret your decision for the rest of your life?  Have you struggled to make yourself presentable for the corporate world, all the while changing diapers and packing pint sized knapsacks, only to have your perfectly pressed white shirt stained within 5 minutes from a child’s breakfast meltdown?  Have you struggled to be on time for a job that you used to arrive early to, having to actually use the dreaded excuse that it was because of the kids?  Have you taken a job you didn’t love in order to be home on time to pick up your child from school or daycare?  Did you leave the corporate world a successful career woman, only to return scared and confused, missing your child while trying to reintegrate yourself into a world you no longer understand, with no intelligent conversation to share over the lunch meeting besides how many diapers you changed the past weekend?  Have you felt the desire to rebuild your career while fighting with guilt and sadness from feeling you are missing out on your children’s lives?  Have you rushed home after a long stressful day only to be greeted by a child who isn’t excited to see you?

Not every decision is clear cut once you become a mother.  Decisions you never thought you would make, are made.  Feelings you didn’t think you would have, are felt.  Not every woman gladly returns to work without a painful process to get there.  On the other hand, some women do.  And guess what – that’s ok too!

Now, to those of you who returned to work and feel your career outside of the home is of greater difficulty or importance than being a stay at home mom, I ask you: Have YOU walked in her shoes?

Have you spent an entire day with a screaming baby who cannot be comforted, after only sleeping 3 hours that night?  Have you chased a toddler for hours on end while battling a cold, just praying for naptime to come so you can rest for a moment?  Have you tried with all of your efforts to entertain a child without success, only to be told over and over “I no like you anymore mommy”?  Have you given up a career you loved and financial stability and independence, for the sake of a new little boss whose thanks come in the form of tantrums and throwing food at you?  Have you gone days without speaking to anyone over the age of 3?  Have you ever not been able to shower because your “boss” won’t let you have a 10 minute break?  Have you ever worn the same pants 3 days in a row because you can barely think straight from the exhaustion and sleep deprivation, not to mention do laundry or locate clean pants?  Have you ever gone days without eating a full meal, only finding the time to eat scraps from your boss’s plate?  Have you struggled with guilt as you wonder if there is something more out there for you besides the menial tasks of laundry, dishes and cooking?  Have you wondered if you will ever get a break, and how you will possibly get through the day tomorrow without help?  Have you ever felt the guilt for even questioning whether or not staying at home is the right choice for you?

In or out of the home, each mother and their role has its challenges.  I have experienced a bit of both.  I stayed home with my son for 15 months, then returned on a part time basis.  And in 11 more weeks will be off with baby #2.  I can see both sides.  No, laundry is not a difficult task.  I don’t think any say at home mom would claim that it is.  But being home with children is a challenge that goes way deeper than the tasks others see on the surface.  It is a mental challenge that cannot be explained until you’ve done it.  On the other hand, leaving home brings the many challenges that go along with managing both home and work life every day.  Career woman by day, chef/child entertainer/housecleaner by night.  Both roles are difficult and amazing in their own right and I have a lot of respect for mothers who make these tough decisions for their families and work so hard to be the best moms they can be.

How is success as a mother measured by these “experts” posting these articles after all?  Number of hours in a day with a child?  And how exactly do you measure the degree of difficulty in one’s day?  Don’t we all want the same thing after all?  To raise happy, healthy children who go on to love and be loved, and do good in the world.  Yes, I realize we don’t live in a fantasy world where everyone gets along and has the ability to empathize with one another.  We can’t all imagine what it must be like to live a day in her shoes.  But is it really too much to ask that we don’t judge fellow moms for the choices they make for their families?  Let’s not allow the media and society or ANYONE to pit us moms other against one another in a battle with no positive outcomes.

And a side note here to those of you without children who choose to chime in on this topic – seriously?  (And I say this with much love).  Keep your opinions to yourselves – please and thank you!  You have NO idea what you’re talking about.  I certainly didn’t have a clue what being a mom was until I was one.  I secretly judged other parents as their kids had a meltdown at the grocery store, or ate dirt at the park.  I was the perfect parent – until I became one.  I don’t judge you for not having kids.  Trust me, I could give you 100 reasons why not to have them.  But please don’t judge me for making children the greatest priority in my life!

The truth about Pregnancy…why didn’t anyone tell me?

Today feels like a good day to go on a bit of a rant about the “joys” of pregnancy.  I was feeling good (as good as can be expected at 25 weeks), until 3 days ago.  I got attacked by a cough and cold from hell that has taken me down hard.  After 3 nights of little sleep, here I am to tell you all about it.

DISCLAIMER: If you are a male, proceed with caution!  You may not ever want to know what’s REALLY going on with our pregnant selves.  If you are a female without children, and plan to have them, beware!  What you are about to read may terrify you.  I can assure you though, it’s not as bad as it sounds (well, it kinda is, but you can do it!).  If you are a mom, no disclaimer necessary.  Surely you’ve already experienced some or all of these magnificent pregnancy perks for yourself.

When I was pregnant with my son, on a particularly uncomfortable day, I remember asking a friend why no one warned me about this?  Why didn’t anyone tell me what pregnancy was really like?  This was nothing like what I had read about, and way worse than I could have prepared myself for.  Is it possible that I was the only one who felt this way, and the rest of the moms really were living in pregnancy bliss?  Women have been doing this for centuries, and giving birth without drugs in the middle of the woods!  Maybe my body just wasn’t built for this.  I found myself on a bit of a quest to discover if I was alone in this.  I’d ask other moms I know if they SERIOUSLY enjoyed pregnancy?  I was happy to find that I was not alone (yay!).  The majority of the women I spoke with were in the same boat as me.  They weren’t “glowing”.  They had bad skin, and swollen ankles.  They were huge and uncomfortable and not “all belly”, just like me!

Here is my second disclaimer: I fully recognize the absolute privilege of being able to carry a child, and the huge gift that arrives once it’s all over.  YES – it is all worth it!  It is a true blessing to have a healthy baby at the end of it all.  But let’s just put that aside for a moment, because seriously, it’s not all bliss in the process!  Sometimes a bit of brutally honest, comic relief is necessary.  I personally wouldn’t be able to get through this if I wasn’t able to temporarily throw away all my dignity and privacy, and laugh at what my body has temporarily become. Now, you may be wondering what I’m talking about.  Maybe you ARE one of those women who truly did have a blissful pregnancy, with no noticeable symptoms at all.  Actually I didn’t believe those women existed, until my best friend got pregnant.  3 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy, she has yet to experience the wonderful side effects that so many of us experience.  To her, and others like her, I am truly happy for you.  And PS, I kinda hate you right now. (You know I love you T!)

So, I will start with the good news.  In my experience these symptoms, side effects, “joys”, whatever you want to call them, all go away once baby makes his/her debut.  So you can breathe a sigh of relief that it is hopefully all temporary!  So, here we go.  The joys of pregnancy through my eyes…

1.Weight gain:

Might as well start with one of my favorites.  If you are fortunate enough to gain only in your belly, count your lucky stars.  That is NOT me.  And thanks to a pregnancy condition, (that is not serious if handled appropriately) my exercise is to be limited.  Since I am awesome at gaining weight even when not pregnant, there is basically no hope for me right now.  My face is plump, as are my arms, thighs and ankles, and my ribs are nowhere to be found.  I’m sure they are under there somewhere!  Did I miss any body parts?  As the belly grows, common tasks like bending over and putting on your shoes become a chore.  And if you do manage squish that belly into a place where you can get those shoes on, you will likely stand back up huffing and puffing like you just ran a marathon.  Personal grooming?  Good luck.  There will be body parts you may not be able to see for months!  Enjoy hubby!

2. Skin Changes:

Out of nowhere my otherwise “normal” skin was overtaken by bright red spider veins and broken blood vessels.  No part of my body was spared!  Not to mention that my face hasn’t seen the sunlight in a few years.  The pregnancy months are spent lubed up with sunscreen and hiding from the rays.  Then the  first 6 months or so of babies life is spent sheltering them in the shade.  Then all of a sudden it’s winter and soon you’re pregnant again!  So needless to say, my skin is a really nice shade of pasty white combined with bright red blood vessels.  Cute.

3. Heartburn:

You have not experienced heartburn until you’ve had pregnancy heartburn.  It is hard to even explain how painful and uncomfortable it can be.  I thought this was a symptom that if I got it, wouldn’t be a big deal.  I was wrong!  Mine was an intense burning, throbbing pain right in my throat that just wouldn’t go away.  It felt like I was being punched in the throat every time I tried to eat or drink.

4. Back Pain:

This often goes hand in hand with weight gain, and is worsened depending on babies position.  I spent the last 3 months of my first pregnancy sleeping upright on the couch, trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable.  Towards to end of the pregnancy, daily life became a chore.  It hurt to push my huge self up off the couch.  It hurt to walk.  It hurt to sit.  I tried to get comfortable with pillows over here, and over there, behind my back, pillows for hugging.  Then flip over, and try this position and that.  Nothing helped.  Sleeping was pretty much out of the question at this point.

5. Nausea:

The range of symptoms in this category are broad.  I’ve heard of everything from women throwing up non-stop through the entire pregnancy, even while medicated.  Or the sickness that comes only in the morning for the first 12 weeks or so.  Or like me, who just felt nauseous and “off” all day and night for weeks on end.  With my son this ended by 13 weeks (Thank God!).  This time around it lasted until around 20 weeks.  Just in time to enjoy a few weeks of the much anticipated “second trimester bliss”, before all hope of feeling good again is lost for the duration of the third trimester.

6. Bloody noses:

Apparently this is TOTALLY normal.  RIGHT!  Randomly, without warning my nose would bleed.  On the way to work, the store, or just sitting at home on the couch.  Many a time I had to turn around and go home after my shirt being stained with blood.  If this happens to you in public, like it did with me once, it creates quite a frenzy.  Well meaning people(much appreciated by the way!) will rush to your aid because they assume the poor pregnant woman is dying.  Blood has that effect on people.  It’s OK, you probably aren’t.

7.  Food Cravings/Aversions:

I wish my problem was cravings!  This is commonly spoken about as a pregnancy symptom, but I didn’t experience it.  My issue was strong food aversions.  Meat for example.  Ewww!  Just the thought of it sometimes could turn my stomach.  And God forbid I smell or see (especially raw) chicken.  The aversions lessened for me as the pregnancy progressed, but the thought of it now still makes me feel a bit ill!  This sounds like no big deal.  Eat something else, right?  But it’s a vicious cycle.  Not enough protein = feel even more sick than you already do = tired = headache = grumpy, and repeat the next day.  There are many creative ways to try and overcome this issue, like having protein shakes and options other than meat.  But it is challenging when the body is so picky, and the desire (or lack there of) for certain foods changes from day to day and even minute to minute.  One week I ate pork for every meal.  The next week the thought of it make me want to hurl.  Thank you pregnancy for turning me into a crazy person!

8. Vision changes:

Another common symptom – who knew!  I felt unsafe driving at night during my first pregnancy because I had such a hard time seeing.  This time around I had my eyes tested before, and during pregnancy (just for kicks!).  My check up during pregnancy resulted in me being told I needed glasses, where a month prior had perfect vision.

9. Bladder control:

Another one of my favorites!  So as if you don’t feel quite yet that you’ve lost all control of your body and dignity, take away your bladder control too!  Now just for fun, add a common cold to the mix.  Now I spend my days enjoying a series of underwear changes every time I cough and wasn’t able to cross my legs quick enough.  Yep – this is for real!  Jumping jacks – no chance!  Oh, and God forbid I sneeze!  And don’t forget the constant feeling of having to pee, even when you literally JUST left the bathroom.

10. Hemorrhoids:

Gross, yucky, painful.  If you really need more of an explanation, google it.

11. Swollen ankles:

Sounds like no big deal, right?  It’s just cosmetic.  WRONG!  My legs and ankles were so swollen after my son was born that it was painful to walk.  And yes, it is also not attractive.  It’s just one more thing to make you feel super sexy during this time where your own body seems to be laughing as it betrays you over and over again.

12. Stretch marks & loose skin:

Maybe the pregnancy God’s felt bad for giving me every other symptom that is known to man.  I was fortunate to come out relatively unscathed in this category, besides a few light stretchmarks below belly button level.  (Who is ever going to see that anyways?!?) But again, a very common occurrence ranging from light marks to red and blue stretch marks all across the tummy, back, hips and thighs.  The body goes from “normal” to huge in such a short period of time, and is stretched in every direction.  Sometimes the skin goes back, sometimes it doesn’t.  I will let you know what happens after baby #2!

13. Carpal tunnel I would wake up in extreme pain every morning, my hands in a clenched position, my wrists burning.  I couldn’t move my fingers for several minutes.  I would slowly ease them open, wincing at every movement.  As the day progressed I would feel the pain building up, and by the next morning my claws were back in fist position.

14.  Low Blood Pressure

You may pass out if you get up to fast.  Yep – I did…a few times! (totally normal!)

 

Holy crap, did I miss anything???

There you have it.  My take on what pregnancy really looks like in my world.  So, do I still wish I would’ve been told about all the possible “joys” of pregnancy before getting into it?  For me, the answer is yes!  Would it have influenced my decision to have children?  Absolutely not.  Also keep in mind that I am the girl who likes to know as much as possible, as soon as possible.  I am the girl who has the baby room furnished and painted at 20 weeks.  I am the girl who finds out the gender of the baby as soon as I’m able, and has the name picked soon after.  I am the girl who has enough clothing and diapers to cover the first 6 months of the babies life.  That is who I am.

Here is my final disclaimer for today:  Take everything I’ve just written with a grain of salt.  Being in the trenches of pregnancy can make you feel crazy at times!  Some days it’s hard, and some days it’s hilarious.  Some days it just feels like it will never end.  But I can assure you those feelings and negative memories quickly go away once that little bundle arrives, and your body becomes your own again (for the most part).  And for me, being able to laugh at the madness helps me get through.  I talk to my friends about my vagina.  We bond over stories about boobs and stretch marks.  No one can better understand and appreciate what you are going through than a fellow mom who has been there, even if the experiences aren’t quite the same.

Try not to take pregnancy so seriously, and even harder still, try to enjoy the ride.  There is nothing else in life quite like this.

 

Is it Enough? Part deux.

So the answer to the big question I have been asking myself, and have publicly discussed here as I work through it.

Is it enough?

If you read my previous post about this, you know what that question means.  A deep question that is hard to discuss, for the fear of coming across as selfish, or worse yet, as a bad mother.  But in spite of the risk, I ask it anyway.  Is it enough?  Is it OK to accept saying goodbye to my former self, and dedicating all of who I am to being “mom”.  Is it the “right thing to do” to put myself on the back burner for an indefinite amount of time, for the sake of my child (and soon to be children).  Is that necessary for me to really be a good mom?  Can I accept that as my life?

My answer.  No.  

You may read this, especially if you are a fellow mom, and be shocked that I could even consider this question.  How dare I think of me, especially during these early years when children are so impressionable and dependent on the time and love of their parents.  You may think I am a terrible, selfish person for even having this conversation outside of my own head.  You may think this is a no-brainier.  You made the choice to have children and OF COURSE they come first.  OF COURSE you should dedicate 100% of yourself to raising them and their needs.  OF COURSE this is what you should do.  Well, I used to agree with you.  But I don’t anymore.  Does this make me a bad mother?  I have struggled with this question, but now realize the answer is 100%, absolutely not.

I have learned a lot over the past 3 years, and I continue to learn and make mistakes and change direction.  I think this will continue to be a life long process.  One important thing I learned recently, that I wish I had learned sooner, is the importance of “self”.  Yes, it is absolutely a beautiful thing to be a mother.  A great gift that I cherish very much, and try very hard not to take for granted even on the most difficult of days.  Being a mom gives my life great meaning.  It is a beautiful thing to be so selfless and give up so much for our children’s happiness.  But it is also a beautiful thing to remember who you are and truly foster the spirit of that person.  It isn’t easy.  It is a balancing act that I have yet to master, but I am working on it.

There will always be sacrifices and choices made as a mom, that I obviously wouldn’t make as a single person.  I am a mom, a title and role I love love love!  And I want to be a great mom.  My dedication to that and love for my babies hasn’t changed.  In fact it is because of how deeply I love, and how much I want for my children, that I realize the importance of also investing in me and fostering growth within myself.  I am still learning a very important distinction between giving of myself to others versus giving up myself for others.  I have learned that there is nothing negative about wanting to be more.  Being a mom is a huge part of who I am, but it is not all of who I am and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that.

I’m sure that like myself, you have read or heard all about how we as parents are the most important role models to our children.  They look up to what we do more so than what we say.  And the same sex parent is often the most influential.  At 25 weeks pregnant, with a baby girl on the way, I take this very seriously.  I have already seen that my 2 year old son recognizes who we are by what we do.  He catches on to things, and comments on things that I had no idea he could understand.  He has already started modeling his own behaviors after us, and very much after his dad.  He definitely thinks he is a personal trainer, and surely by 6 or 7 years old he will be putting me through workouts.  And it’s not just my husbands “job” that he sees (And I call it a job in quotes because it is much more than that to him).  My son clearly recognizes strength, confidence and passion in his dad and that already reflects back in his own developing personality.  It’s not just about what my husband does for a living, it’s about the traits he displays while doing it.  And no matter who and no matter what Deacus grows up to be, it is those important pieces that I hope he respects and holds on to.

I want him, and my daughter to see those things in me too.  How would I ever teach them to be a great, if I don’t become that person myself?  How do I say to them that I want them to be great, but it’s OK, mommy is fine right here just being mediocre.  And don’t we all want our children to be great?  And by “great” I mean happy, successful, confident, loving, courageous, passionate, strong and all the rest of the amazing describing words that we all wish for our children.  I want him to witness those things in me.  I want him to see me as a loving, dedicated mother, but also a woman who knows who she is.  A woman who is confident, with a strong sense of self.  A woman who is passionate and happy with who she is.  A woman who is constantly changing, making herself better as she goes.  A woman who doesn’t give up.

Yes, it’s true that I will never exactly be my former pre-baby self.  But I don’t want to be.  Yes, it is hard to juggle life as a mom and not lose myself in the process.  My physical self will never be the same.  I will carry the scars and stretch marks (proudly) forever.  I will forever carry the joys and burdens that come with becoming a mom.  And these are the things that make up who I am, and make me a stronger, better person.  These are the parts of myself that I am most proud of.  The parts of myself that give me the greatest motivation to become something more than I am today.  I’ve realized that I matter.  I’ve realize that the better I feel about myself, the more I dedicate to my own happiness, the better I am able to be a great mom and wife.  The more I am able to give selflessly and without resentment, to those I love.  I deserve to be at my best for ME.  And my family deserves to have me at my best too.

So who am I?  Where do I go from here?  How do I rediscover my identity, juggle it all and find my true happiness?

Well, this seems like a good place to start.  Hi, I’m Shannon.  Nice to meet you.

 

Where has the time gone?

Somewhere between my life feeling out of control, being completely overwhelmed and on the brink of a nervous breakdown and today, my baby grew up. In the blink of an eye, he is almost 2.  How did this happen?   I watched him run down the hall today yelling “jogging” and laughing hysterically.  He doesn’t walk anywhere.  He jogs.  He’s a very chatty boy, and likes narrating everything he does.  He makes me laugh.

I  was remembering when not so long ago he took his first shaky steps and barely uttered the words momma and dadda.  And now my pudgy faced baby boy is all of a sudden a thriving toddler, with a growing vocabulary and a personality that makes me laugh and cry almost on a daily basis.  As he napped today I made the mistake of looking at his birthday photos from almost exactly a year ago.  How did this happen?  Wasn’t I JUST complaining about how hard being a mom to a newborn is and that I’d never have my freedom back or be anything other than a “mom” again.  I’d never find time for myself or have an identity.  How would I ever find joy in diapers and spit up and sleepless nights and ohhh the hours and hours of baby talk with no end in sight.  But then when I wasn’t looking, it all went away.  The sleepless nights ended.  The completely dependent breast fed baby became a self sufficient eater who uses a fork and spoon all on his own and asks for milk and water when he’s thirsty.  The crib with the polka dot sheet turned into a double bed with a Spiderman comforter.  The apprehensive child who clung to mommy on his first day of daycare (while we both cried) became a confident, playful boy with friends and people he loved other than me.  I never thought the day would come that I’d miss those early days. I thought I might not make it if I had to survive on 2 hours sleep ever again.  I secretly (with much guilt) resented this adorable little blob whose every need was to be met by me, 24-7.  Some days I just wanted MY life back.  I wanted to be alone.  I didn’t want to listen to that monitor night after night wondering if he was breathing.  I wanted to wake up when I wasn’t tired anymore, and preferably later than 6am on a weekend.  I wanted to leave the house on a whim without 3 large duffle bags of diapers and bottles and more.

I’ve been told motherhood is a thankless job.  And to a certain extent I agree.  No child I know says thanks for changing my diaper 6 times today and making me dinner, even though I threw most of it on the floor and told you “I no like it”.  But I’ve found, especially recently, that the thanks come in ways that go far beyond words.  I’ll Never forget these moments.  The morning I crawled into Deacus’ bed for a quick snuggle and fell asleep myself, only to be woken up by a kiss on the lips and a sweet voice saying “time to wake up”.  Or the first time he replied “love u” unprompted after I tucked him into bed.  Or the many times he said “mommy bugging Deacus” when I’d snuggle too much or purposely poke at him just to hear that sentence (that I pretend hurts my feelings but is really hilarious.)  Or time the he begged “mommy pick Deacus up”, and looked up at me lovingly.  Like I was the most important thing in the world to him.  The only one he wanted to hold him and be with him at that moment.  Such a pure, beautiful love and a bond so strong, that could never be broken.  That is better than any “thank you” that could possibly be said.

I have never known a relationship with an expiry date, like that of a parent and child.  It is inevitable that our relationship as I know it now, will end.  It wont be over, but forever changed.  My baby will no longer want me to crawl into his bed with him.  I will no longer be the one whose hugs and kisses he desires.  He wont always be sleeping under my roof, only a few feet away from me, snug in his bed.  I will no longer hear those tiny feet running down the hall while he laughs that pure, innocent laugh that only a child could.  I miss my baby, being a baby.  But I am also so grateful for the privileged of seeing him grow him and for all the times we have already shared.  The memories made, the bond formed between mother and son.  The milestones that bring me to my feet to clap and cheer, the proud moments that bring me to tears.  Seeing him learn and explore and become a little man with an incredible personality all of his own.  I can only hope the next 2 years slow down a little, and that I can find a way to live more in the moment and truly appreciate our time together.  Even when that moment involves a poop explosion or tempter tantrum that feels like it will never end.

But it will end.  And I will miss it when it is gone.

Really, THIS is the easy part?

A fellow mom told me about a year and a half ago that having a little baby was “the easy part”. I wanted to punch her in the face. (If you’re reading this right now, I’m sorry. I actually really like you, but I kinda hated you that day). For me, I thought I’d never make it through the first week of being a mom, not to mention the first month or first year. I felt I was in the trenches. NOTHING could be harder than this. My “life” had been taken over by this tiny (adorable), creature who was holding me hostage in my home and would decide when I would sleep, eat, and if I’d ever leave the house again. Not to mention the fact that my body was destroyed by my former tenant, and it’s primary use for the next year would be feeding my child and tending to his every need.

It sure was a lot harder to find the time and energy to do anything for myself, not to mention motivating myself to workout. A pastime that I didn’t enjoy prior to having a baby, not to mention managing it with my new post-baby body and new sleep insane habits. Looking back now, I have no idea what I thought was so hard and tiring in my life that caused me to not live my life to its fullest. Why I wasn’t a fitness model/marathon runner/CEO I have no idea! I had all the time in the world, and no one to be accountable to but myself. I was “tired” after work, when I would get home at 5pm and get to watch TV and nap the night away if I felt like it (and often I did). Not to mention uninterrupted sleep for the entire evening after that. Looking back on my pre-baby self, I am a bit disgusted. How did I not make more of my life? How was I so lazy? This may sound harsh, but it’s true. I could’ve done more. I should’ve done more. Now I was faced with all the same challenges I had pre-baby, but now throw into the mix the emotional craziness I was feeling, the loss of my identity and my recovering body. And now my life’s focus could no longer be myself first. And let’s clarify again – THIS is the easy part?!?

So on that day (way back when my baby boy was truly still a baby), instead of punching that mom in the face, I smiled and was completely terrified on the inside and dreading what would come next. How could life be any harder than THIS?

So here I am, with an almost 2 year old. And I’ll just go ahead and say it – she was right. OK, so let me be clear. There isn’t much more challenging in my opinion than sleep deprivation and long, sometimes lonely nights. However, that fog eventually clears and you find your own normal again. Life becomes good. The joy I thought I lost for good came back. But, the interesting thing about being a mom is that it truly never gets easier. It’s easy when you have a 2 year old to look back at your life with a 4 month, 6 month old or even a 1 year old and feel how she did. Life was SO easy then. How quickly we forget how it feels when we are the ones in those moments. When he was smaller he stayed in one place. He wasn’t swinging himself off the railing like Tarzan or eating dirt at the end of the driveway or throwing dinner at you and saying “Mommy, no like it!”. But having a baby was NOT easier at the time. I really believe that every stage you are in is the hardest. I keep waiting for the next stage. The stage where it will become easier. Once he can sit up, it will be easier. Once he can feed himself, it will be easier. Once he sleeps through the night, it will be easier. Once he can talk, it will be easier. Well, I’m sorry to say it, but easier never comes. Each part of my sons life is incredible and challenging. With every milestone comes a proud mommy moment, and a difficult but exciting new challenge. Some days I feel like my life is out of control. A “perfect” day can be ruined by a 2 year olds 10 minute tantrum that makes me feel like the biggest failure of a mother, who just wants to break down and cry myself. It isn’t easy. It doesn’t get easier.

But in my life, I have never found more accomplishment in anything than I do in being a mom. Maybe “accomplishment” seems like an odd word to use for motherhood. But I think it’s an accurate one. It’s not always about being a supermom and having a picture perfect day full of laughs and snuggles (though that sounds pretty wonderful). Sometimes (a lot of the time) I don’t do anything noteworthy during my day and often it ends with a few toddler meltdowns. But none the less, just getting through the day with a child sometimes IS the accomplishment. On good days and bad, I try to remember this. I may not win any awards for the things I do in the day. But good for me for making it through another one, and working every day to be the best mother I can to my sweet almost-2 year old little boy.

And let me be clear – THIS is definitely not the easy part.

Here I grow again – My life at 13 weeks pregnant

I will get to the past 2 years, but right now I want to talk about today.

Let me start with my disclaimer:  I LOVE the privilege of being pregnant, and I don’t take it for granted!  Though I can’t claim to truly understand it, I recognize the pain that would come if I could not carry my own child.  I don’t forget the possible alternatives every time I complain about my ever changing, ever growing pregnant body.  That said, we all have our own struggles.  This is one of mine.

Today I am 13 weeks pregnant.  Today my body is growing and changing in order to house our newest little bundle for the next 6 or so months.  I am not glowing.  If I look like I am, it’s just sweat.  I am probably overheating from the internal heater I have in my belly, and you should probably call a Dr.  I am not “all belly”, carrying a perfect little bundle in the front, with no signs of pregnancy elsewhere, like many women I know and love to hate.  I gain my baby weight in my legs, my hips, my ankles, my face…oh, and my belly too.  I have never had a problem gaining weight.  Pregnancy just makes it inevitable and impossible to avoid for 9 months.  Yes – I know I am not completely a victim to the baby-weight monster.  There are things I can do to help offset these side effects like eating right and exercising.  But these are two things I have yet to master in pregnancy.  But I am continuing to work on it – I swear!  This time around I really do want to make healthier choices – for me, and the baby.  I don’t want to pack on another 90+lbs.  I had no idea how far gone I was last time, and figured I deserved to be as fat as I wanted.  After all, I was pregnant!  But now I am all too aware of the aftermath of that, and the challenge it brings to get my body and energy back and feel good about myself again.

The first 13 or so weeks for me are a food free for all.  See definition: “a chaotic situation lacking rules or structure”.  Whatever my body wants to eat that day, I eat.  Whatever it doesn’t want to eat, I gag at the sight of.  Unlike many women, I don’t get cravings.  I get food aversions.  Sound fun or what?  I feel nauseas all day and night and have a hard time getting down anything, not to mention healthier choices like chicken and broccoli.  Hopefully this will pass as I go further into the second trimester. (fingers crossed!)

Today I woke up and noticed a huge pimple on my face.  OK, there were 3, but who’s counting.  Even as a teenager I didn’t suffer from acne, but pregnancy brings it out in me!  It definitely could be worse, I know.  But it is just one more thing that reminds me that I am no longer living in my “normal” body.  It has been taken over by a tiny alien who gives me a bad completion to go with my oversized ankles and already pasty white skin.  (It has been years since I used to spend my summer days basking in the sun, with no worries besides how long until I needed to flip over.)

Oh how children change us.  But would I trade my life for anything?  Not a chance.  And what is life without a little bit of humour to get us through the challenging times.  All the while, I count my blessings, very aware that it could be worse for me.  I could be a young, childless, skinny girl with a sun-kissed face, well rested.  Unaware of how valuable life is, and the true significance of being a mother and all the sacrifices that go along with it.  No little one invading my insides and no one tugging at my pants, asking me to chase him every waking hour.  And in the night calling out “momma” because he knows I will always be there for him.

Without a doubt – THAT would definitely be worse.

The very bad blogger returns

So, here I am!  I have been away from here for so long, I barely remember how to use this thing.  I feel like the past few years have gone so fast.  Everyone says that’s going to happen, but when you’re in the middle of the baby trenches, that doesn’t always feel true.  But now, nearly 2 years later.  I get it.  Somewhere along the way life got busy.  Priorities changed.  I used this blog after my son was born as a way to cope.  I didn’t even realize at the time how important it would become to me.  It became a way to feel connected to an outside world that I felt so disconnected from.  A way to share my feelings, good and bad, and try to find my own “normal” again.  I had so many wonderful comments mainly from other moms telling me they understood exactly how I was feeling, and encouraging me to continue writing.  As silly as it may sound, sometimes it was those comments that got me through a tough day.  It made me feel like I wasn’t alone, or crazy for feeling flawed and lost at times.  It is incredible how we can find such connections with others in times of need, even those we have never met.  So thank you to those of you who have read my blog, and are reading this now, and to those who shared kind comments with me about your life and similar joys and struggles.

I guess somewhere along the way chasing a busy toddler and going back to work made it more difficult for me to find the time and energy to invest in writing, as therapeutic as it was for me.  And if I am being totally honest, the vulnerability of my honestly became a bit difficult for me to handle.  I really did pour my inner most thoughts into this blog and left myself feeling very exposed.  Once I did start feeling more like myself again, I found it difficult to go back to that place of such weakness and vulnerability.  But at the same time, I did find peace from writing and sending my thoughts into the world and not feeling so alone.  So.  Here I am.  Ready again to share a bit of my life and who I am now, and be completely exposed in front of you once again.

I am not sure where to start.  There have been many milestones over the past year and a half.  I turned the big 3-0 (It’s not so bad!) and actually turned 31 last month.  My little boy went from being a tiny little baby to becoming an almost 2 year old with a vocabulary full of adorable words (that sometimes only I can decipher), who loves to laugh and play and gives the best hugs and kisses.  He is the light of my life!  I went back to work (only part time – Thank God!).  I successfully lost all the baby weight I had gained – yes all 93lbs, and then some (for a total of 106lbs).  We have baby #2 on the way, and in two short months, my baby boy will turn 2.  What a crazy, but incredible almost-2 years it has been!

Thanks for following me on this crazy, emotional, amazing journey.  I look forward to sharing with you my continued journey to find happiness and success as a mom, wife and woman.  The good, the bad, the incredible.  Talk to you soon.

For Sandy Hook Elementary

Yes, I’ve been a bad blogger over the past few months.  I have had a few messages asking me where I’ve been and if I plan to continue writing.  I so appreciate the people that folllow my ramblings, and actually think what I have to say is worth reading!  I will update this blog soon, but today I am here for a more important reason.

I wanted to send out a message to acknowledge the heartbreaking incident that occured in Newtown, Connecticut.  I think as a Nation we are all grieving for these families who are dealing with the unthinkable.  I can’t begin to imagine how those involved must be feeling, and my thoughts and prayers go out to them.  All I know is that this shocking event has left me, and everyone I speak with feeling completely helpless and heartbroken for all involved.  My words could not begin to express how saddened I feel thinking about the beautiful lives lost, and how much I wish there was something I could do.  I think we all have seen and read enough coverage that brings us to tears, and we all understand the severity of what has happened.  Out of repect for the families, I will keep this short and end with this.  I…no, WE are thinking of you and praying for you Newtown.  You and your beautiful angels will not be forgotten!

This beautiful poem was shared with me today, and I’d like to share it with you.  Maybe it can provide even the smallest amount of peace to those who read it.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, for Sandy Hook elementary

Twas’ 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38,
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven’s gate.
Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
They were filled with such joy, they didn’t know what to say…….
They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
“Where are we?” asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
“This is heaven.” declared a small boy.
“We’re spending Christmas at God’s house.”
When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
Then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
And in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring.
Those children all flew into the arms of their King.
And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus’ face.
And as if He could read all the questions she had,
He gently whispered to her, “I’ll take care of mom and dad.”
Then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe.
Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
“Let My power and presence re-enter this land!”
“May this country be delivered from the hands of fools”
“I’m taking back my nation. I’m taking back my schools!”
Then He and the children stood up without a sound;
“Come now my children, let me show you around.”
Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran;
All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
“In the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT.”

by: Cameo Smith