So the answer to the big question I have been asking myself, and have publicly discussed here as I work through it.
Is it enough?
If you read my previous post about this, you know what that question means. A deep question that is hard to discuss, for the fear of coming across as selfish, or worse yet, as a bad mother. But in spite of the risk, I ask it anyway. Is it enough? Is it OK to accept saying goodbye to my former self, and dedicating all of who I am to being “mom”. Is it the “right thing to do” to put myself on the back burner for an indefinite amount of time, for the sake of my child (and soon to be children). Is that necessary for me to really be a good mom? Can I accept that as my life?
My answer. No.
You may read this, especially if you are a fellow mom, and be shocked that I could even consider this question. How dare I think of me, especially during these early years when children are so impressionable and dependent on the time and love of their parents. You may think I am a terrible, selfish person for even having this conversation outside of my own head. You may think this is a no-brainier. You made the choice to have children and OF COURSE they come first. OF COURSE you should dedicate 100% of yourself to raising them and their needs. OF COURSE this is what you should do. Well, I used to agree with you. But I don’t anymore. Does this make me a bad mother? I have struggled with this question, but now realize the answer is 100%, absolutely not.
I have learned a lot over the past 3 years, and I continue to learn and make mistakes and change direction. I think this will continue to be a life long process. One important thing I learned recently, that I wish I had learned sooner, is the importance of “self”. Yes, it is absolutely a beautiful thing to be a mother. A great gift that I cherish very much, and try very hard not to take for granted even on the most difficult of days. Being a mom gives my life great meaning. It is a beautiful thing to be so selfless and give up so much for our children’s happiness. But it is also a beautiful thing to remember who you are and truly foster the spirit of that person. It isn’t easy. It is a balancing act that I have yet to master, but I am working on it.
There will always be sacrifices and choices made as a mom, that I obviously wouldn’t make as a single person. I am a mom, a title and role I love love love! And I want to be a great mom. My dedication to that and love for my babies hasn’t changed. In fact it is because of how deeply I love, and how much I want for my children, that I realize the importance of also investing in me and fostering growth within myself. I am still learning a very important distinction between giving of myself to others versus giving up myself for others. I have learned that there is nothing negative about wanting to be more. Being a mom is a huge part of who I am, but it is not all of who I am and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that.
I’m sure that like myself, you have read or heard all about how we as parents are the most important role models to our children. They look up to what we do more so than what we say. And the same sex parent is often the most influential. At 25 weeks pregnant, with a baby girl on the way, I take this very seriously. I have already seen that my 2 year old son recognizes who we are by what we do. He catches on to things, and comments on things that I had no idea he could understand. He has already started modeling his own behaviors after us, and very much after his dad. He definitely thinks he is a personal trainer, and surely by 6 or 7 years old he will be putting me through workouts. And it’s not just my husbands “job” that he sees (And I call it a job in quotes because it is much more than that to him). My son clearly recognizes strength, confidence and passion in his dad and that already reflects back in his own developing personality. It’s not just about what my husband does for a living, it’s about the traits he displays while doing it. And no matter who and no matter what Deacus grows up to be, it is those important pieces that I hope he respects and holds on to.
I want him, and my daughter to see those things in me too. How would I ever teach them to be a great, if I don’t become that person myself? How do I say to them that I want them to be great, but it’s OK, mommy is fine right here just being mediocre. And don’t we all want our children to be great? And by “great” I mean happy, successful, confident, loving, courageous, passionate, strong and all the rest of the amazing describing words that we all wish for our children. I want him to witness those things in me. I want him to see me as a loving, dedicated mother, but also a woman who knows who she is. A woman who is confident, with a strong sense of self. A woman who is passionate and happy with who she is. A woman who is constantly changing, making herself better as she goes. A woman who doesn’t give up.
Yes, it’s true that I will never exactly be my former pre-baby self. But I don’t want to be. Yes, it is hard to juggle life as a mom and not lose myself in the process. My physical self will never be the same. I will carry the scars and stretch marks (proudly) forever. I will forever carry the joys and burdens that come with becoming a mom. And these are the things that make up who I am, and make me a stronger, better person. These are the parts of myself that I am most proud of. The parts of myself that give me the greatest motivation to become something more than I am today. I’ve realized that I matter. I’ve realize that the better I feel about myself, the more I dedicate to my own happiness, the better I am able to be a great mom and wife. The more I am able to give selflessly and without resentment, to those I love. I deserve to be at my best for ME. And my family deserves to have me at my best too.
So who am I? Where do I go from here? How do I rediscover my identity, juggle it all and find my true happiness?
Well, this seems like a good place to start. Hi, I’m Shannon. Nice to meet you.
shannonvan 